I DON’T EVEN GET TO BE IRRITATED BY THIS. I CAN’T BE IRRITATED BY THIS. I’M NOT ALLOWED TO. BECAUSE I DON’T MATTER TO YOU. BECAUSE I DON’T MATTER HOW I WANT TO MATTER ANYWAYS. I JUST DON’T BUT THAT IS OKAY BECAUSE I ONLY WANT YOU TO FALL FOR ME BECAUSE I MISS SOMEONE CARING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT. I MISS IT AND I WANT IT AND I’M THROWING ALL THOSE FEELINGS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE AND I SHOULDN’T BE DOING THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT’S NOT RECIPROCATED AND IF I’M EVEN BEING FUCKING HONEST I DON’T EVEN THINK I’D WANT YOU TO DATE ME. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME DAMNIT. I MISS IT OKAY. I REALLY MISS IT.
Yes, I think I like you. Or I at least don’t want to share you. BUT I AM DEALING WITH IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE TO OKAY SO COULD YOU JUST LET ME HANDLE IT AND NOT COMMENT ON IT THANK YOU WE’RE TECHNICALLY ADULTS HERE AND I’M STILL DEALING WITH HOW MUCH I LIKE JACK AND THE DISAPPOINTMENT THAT RONNIE TURNED INTO AND ON TOP OF THAT I’M HANDLING THESE STUPID FEELINGS FOR YOU THAT I’M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HAVE AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE THEY’RE REAL.
I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY POSITIVE THAT I’M JUST LUSTING OVER YOU.
WHICH IS INSANE.
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SOMEONE I EVER IMAGINED MYSELF LUSTING AFTER.
SO LIKE…. JUST LET ME WANT YOUR DICK IN SILENCE AND DON’T FUCKING POINT IT OUT MKAY THANKS CAUSE I CAN’T STOP BEING HORNY, LIKE THATS NOT MY FAULT.
Messages in Bottles: Vacation. -
A chance to clear my head right? Get my life together a little bit and discover a few things as well as enjoy relaxing. But instead, you keep popping up places. You texted me and it made my stomach drop. I see a couple in the pool together and I’m reminded of this past summer when we stole kisses…
If I asked myself questions sometimes I wonder what I’d say. What would I even ask? Would I question my own reliability. What do I do with my memories? Do I warp them to what I wish them to be? Have I made my friends better and my enemies worse inside my head than they really are?
Do I strive towards hatred more than I strive for passion? Is there a way to ever rely on myself fully, to know that I’m truly being honest with myself 100%? No. False statements are constantly made by everyone, and that in no way excludes myself. My own conscience probably lies to me all the time. “This boy cares” or “that girl is really your friend” or perhaps “mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” All lies thought at the hand of my own mind. Part of this is a painful thought, but part of it is also a beautiful thing. People always want to live fantasies. But in a way we all do, because we’re all living our own version of reality.
Sometimes I just want to get lost in myself you know? I want to find adventures to go on with myself, and meet crazy people, and eventually find my soul mate again. I want to find confidence and happiness on my own. I’m getting there, slowly. It’s a process most certainly, this weird thing that we call life. But I enjoy it. Or at least I’m beginning to, I try not to think towards the future to much because it hurts. Because the people that I know and love will all die. I will die. Everything will die. And that hurts. How could it not? But there are so many things that out way that. I have begun to learn that it’s how we reach that death that defines us, not the actual death itself. So here I go, doing this thing called living. And starting to make the best of it.
About the way you’ll smell, about knocking on your door in the pouring rain, about us getting married, about everything finally falling into place for us. I’ve been staring out the car window and replaying this picture in my head:
I walk up to a large two story house that’s nooked in between another home on either side. It’s raining, I can feel the chill in my bones and my solid grey suitcase is dragging behind me. Rather than staring towards your door I take moment to watch the rain cascade off of my clear umbrella, this is a big moment. You don’t know I’m standing right outside your door to surprise you. A shadow above me moves and I cast my eyes upward. There you are. Peering down at me from the second story window, confusion clouding your face. You’re confused not because I’m here but because you can’t see who I am, and after all it is almost ten at night. But I can’t help that, your mother has been expecting me for an hour or so. She’s sitting up in the kitchen right now waiting to hear the knock or the ring of the doorbell that will signal her to let your surprise in through the door, to let me finally cross the threshold and hold you for the first time in close to two and a half years. It took me a while to find this place, taxi drivers who speak broken english and signs that are all in German… A difficult task indeed. But I know I’ve succeeded. I gesture to you, a simple “come hither” gesture, and you abide. I watch you take a last glance at my outline before you disappear from my sight. Next I know it’s finally happening, the handle turns and my breath catches. Will you be angry? Shocked? Will you tell me it was a mistake, to surprise you in such a big way? You pull the door in towards you allowing light to flood over me, and soon your gaze meets mine. We pause, maybe for a mere second, maybe for an entire minute. Without a sound you step out into the rain towards me, and I make a step towards you. Lifting my umbrella just so, it’s soon covering both of us. “Why are you… Is everything okay?” your first words to me in person since those two amazing weeks we spent together falling for each other. I nod and smile as you slowly, hesitantly life your right hand up to my cheek. This is when you finally let out a full breath, as if the reality that I am actually standing in front of you has set in because you can touch me. Because it’s not a dream. Because for once we are the reality we’ve been waiting for. It’s slow, and it’s amazing. You’re so obviously debating if I’ll allow it to happen, but it’s what I’ve been waiting ages for. As you begin to lean down I wrap my free arm around your torso, pulling you as close as I can to me, enjoying the radiating warmth that is you. At the same time we both inhale deeply, in sync with each other even after ages apart. After almost no real time together at all. Your lips meet mine and I sleepily let my eyelids drape across my vision, everything going black. But it didn’t go black at all, I saw fireworks. Slow and emotional and fantastic. Your lips are soft but they have intent, and that intent is obvious. You’re craving me. Much to soon you pull away, but it’s worth it simply because the second phrase you whisper to me is “I love you.” Without a single hesitiation I smile broadly and state “I love you too.”
I rely far to much on guys. And hey, that’s my problem. But it’s something I really need to step away from. Honestly I do. It’s unhealthy to put it first so much. I’m undeniably in love with Caolan. No doubt in my mind, that boy is my soul mate and I love him so much it’s painful in a beautiful way. And yet I’m constantly trying to fill the void I’ve got because of him with other people, Cam, Cameron, Spence (well he isn’t really a fill in, I do actually adore him…), Michael. Not all at once obviously, but you get my point. I guess what I’m doing is trying to talk myself out of the stupid ignorant reliance I’ve creating on getting male attention. My confidence is shot because of it, I cry at random, I feel used probably four times a week by someone or another, my eating habits are scattered and while yes I’m eating I honestly don’t know if it’s often enough. I’ve stopped working out. My room is permanently a pig sty, to an abnormal extent even for me. I’ve stopped working on all art projects, I smile less, I snap at people more, I’ve lost that girl that I fell in love with last year when it was ME running the show. I didn’t need everyone else, they were only around because I wanted them to be. And then part of me just gets really upset because the two most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life arn’t here, and arn’t even available for me to talk to except maybe once a month. Ones in Africa and the others in Germany and that is all kinds of unfair, the two people that make me smile better than anyone else I’ve ever met arn’t even here for me when I feel like I’m falling apart. Yea I know, dramatic, I know. But hey, its how I feel off and on lately. It’s time to seriously re-prioritize. It’s my happiness, then school, and the rest can all come after. As for the guy thing, it’s time to give up on salvaging a friendship between me and Cameron. It’s time to realize I deserve someone FAR more intelligent than Cam. It’s time to comprehend Michael will only want me when I have a boyfriend. And it’s time to stop over analyzing everything with Spence and just go with the flow. It’s time to clean my room, hunker down at school, get those applications in, work on art again, find a job, start doing yoga, finding more music. It’s time to focus on me. Hell, its just time for change.