If I asked myself questions sometimes I wonder what I’d say. What would I even ask? Would I question my own reliability. What do I do with my memories? Do I warp them to what I wish them to be? Have I made my friends better and my enemies worse inside my head than they really are?
Do I strive towards hatred more than I strive for passion? Is there a way to ever rely on myself fully, to know that I’m truly being honest with myself 100%? No. False statements are constantly made by everyone, and that in no way excludes myself. My own conscience probably lies to me all the time. “This boy cares” or “that girl is really your friend” or perhaps “mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” All lies thought at the hand of my own mind. Part of this is a painful thought, but part of it is also a beautiful thing. People always want to live fantasies. But in a way we all do, because we’re all living our own version of reality.
Sometimes I just want to get lost in myself you know? I want to find adventures to go on with myself, and meet crazy people, and eventually find my soul mate again. I want to find confidence and happiness on my own. I’m getting there, slowly. It’s a process most certainly, this weird thing that we call life. But I enjoy it. Or at least I’m beginning to, I try not to think towards the future to much because it hurts. Because the people that I know and love will all die. I will die. Everything will die. And that hurts. How could it not? But there are so many things that out way that. I have begun to learn that it’s how we reach that death that defines us, not the actual death itself. So here I go, doing this thing called living. And starting to make the best of it.
About the way you’ll smell, about knocking on your door in the pouring rain, about us getting married, about everything finally falling into place for us. I’ve been staring out the car window and replaying this picture in my head:
I walk up to a large two story house that’s nooked in between another home on either side. It’s raining, I can feel the chill in my bones and my solid grey suitcase is dragging behind me. Rather than staring towards your door I take moment to watch the rain cascade off of my clear umbrella, this is a big moment. You don’t know I’m standing right outside your door to surprise you. A shadow above me moves and I cast my eyes upward. There you are. Peering down at me from the second story window, confusion clouding your face. You’re confused not because I’m here but because you can’t see who I am, and after all it is almost ten at night. But I can’t help that, your mother has been expecting me for an hour or so. She’s sitting up in the kitchen right now waiting to hear the knock or the ring of the doorbell that will signal her to let your surprise in through the door, to let me finally cross the threshold and hold you for the first time in close to two and a half years. It took me a while to find this place, taxi drivers who speak broken english and signs that are all in German… A difficult task indeed. But I know I’ve succeeded. I gesture to you, a simple “come hither” gesture, and you abide. I watch you take a last glance at my outline before you disappear from my sight. Next I know it’s finally happening, the handle turns and my breath catches. Will you be angry? Shocked? Will you tell me it was a mistake, to surprise you in such a big way? You pull the door in towards you allowing light to flood over me, and soon your gaze meets mine. We pause, maybe for a mere second, maybe for an entire minute. Without a sound you step out into the rain towards me, and I make a step towards you. Lifting my umbrella just so, it’s soon covering both of us. “Why are you… Is everything okay?” your first words to me in person since those two amazing weeks we spent together falling for each other. I nod and smile as you slowly, hesitantly life your right hand up to my cheek. This is when you finally let out a full breath, as if the reality that I am actually standing in front of you has set in because you can touch me. Because it’s not a dream. Because for once we are the reality we’ve been waiting for. It’s slow, and it’s amazing. You’re so obviously debating if I’ll allow it to happen, but it’s what I’ve been waiting ages for. As you begin to lean down I wrap my free arm around your torso, pulling you as close as I can to me, enjoying the radiating warmth that is you. At the same time we both inhale deeply, in sync with each other even after ages apart. After almost no real time together at all. Your lips meet mine and I sleepily let my eyelids drape across my vision, everything going black. But it didn’t go black at all, I saw fireworks. Slow and emotional and fantastic. Your lips are soft but they have intent, and that intent is obvious. You’re craving me. Much to soon you pull away, but it’s worth it simply because the second phrase you whisper to me is “I love you.” Without a single hesitiation I smile broadly and state “I love you too.”
I rely far to much on guys. And hey, that’s my problem. But it’s something I really need to step away from. Honestly I do. It’s unhealthy to put it first so much. I’m undeniably in love with Caolan. No doubt in my mind, that boy is my soul mate and I love him so much it’s painful in a beautiful way. And yet I’m constantly trying to fill the void I’ve got because of him with other people, Cam, Cameron, Spence (well he isn’t really a fill in, I do actually adore him…), Michael. Not all at once obviously, but you get my point. I guess what I’m doing is trying to talk myself out of the stupid ignorant reliance I’ve creating on getting male attention. My confidence is shot because of it, I cry at random, I feel used probably four times a week by someone or another, my eating habits are scattered and while yes I’m eating I honestly don’t know if it’s often enough. I’ve stopped working out. My room is permanently a pig sty, to an abnormal extent even for me. I’ve stopped working on all art projects, I smile less, I snap at people more, I’ve lost that girl that I fell in love with last year when it was ME running the show. I didn’t need everyone else, they were only around because I wanted them to be. And then part of me just gets really upset because the two most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life arn’t here, and arn’t even available for me to talk to except maybe once a month. Ones in Africa and the others in Germany and that is all kinds of unfair, the two people that make me smile better than anyone else I’ve ever met arn’t even here for me when I feel like I’m falling apart. Yea I know, dramatic, I know. But hey, its how I feel off and on lately. It’s time to seriously re-prioritize. It’s my happiness, then school, and the rest can all come after. As for the guy thing, it’s time to give up on salvaging a friendship between me and Cameron. It’s time to realize I deserve someone FAR more intelligent than Cam. It’s time to comprehend Michael will only want me when I have a boyfriend. And it’s time to stop over analyzing everything with Spence and just go with the flow. It’s time to clean my room, hunker down at school, get those applications in, work on art again, find a job, start doing yoga, finding more music. It’s time to focus on me. Hell, its just time for change.
Goodbye relationship, I really thought it would last so much longer.
I can’t lie, I was in love with it. And with him.
There will also be times that he does surprise you, or he says something so little you think it wouldn’t matter, but it rings melodically in your ears for days. There are going to be times that you look at his picture and cry tears of joy, just because you know he belongs to you, and that’s magic as well. Times when you sit on your bed in the dark, maybe with a few soft candles casting silky shadows on your walls, and smile to yourself as you remember this kiss or that joke. Wonderful times when you get to see each other again, reunited even if its for a bittersweet amount of time. Best of all, you’re going to be in love. And that’s the most magical thing you’ll experience.
Long distance is not easy, it’s painful, it’s hundreds of tears and possibly thousands of journal entries. But it’s magical, if you let it be.
1. Are looks important in a relationship? To an extent, yes. But personality holds so much more weight than looks. You should be physically attracted to the person you’re with, but that’s not all you should be attracted to.
2. Are relationships ever worth it? Worth what? Worth shutting my family out? No. Death? Possibly. Until you define what “IT” is, don’t bother asking this question.
3. Are you a virgin? Yes, I am.
4. Are you in a relationship? No, not exactly.
5. Are you in love? I am. But that too is complicated.
6. Are you single this year? So far yes, but I’m sure it won’t last.
7. Can you commit to one person? I can, yes, and if I’m in a relationship I don’t falter.
8. Describe your crush: Looks: about 5’10, beautiful milky brownish greenish eyes, short hair but still enough to run my fingers through. Muscular arms but a bit of pudge around the stomach, not fat, but not fully in shape. Personality: Silly, loud, so very very weird. But he’s so sweet to me, quiet when he wants to be (which isn’t often) and intelligent when he decides to care about the subject being discussed. He’s blissfully wonderful
9. Describe your perfect mate: Caolan. The love of my life. There are no words other than his name that do him justice.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe that attraction at first site can morph into love.
11. Do you ever want to get married? I do.
12. Do you forgive betrayal? In relationships? No.
13. Do you get jealous easily? I do, but doesn’t everyone for the most part?
14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yes, I most certainly do
15. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears
16. Do you have any tattoos? Not until I turn 18
17. Do you like kissing in public? It depends on the public. Pop kisses I don’t mind at all, but I’d rather not flat out make out in front of anyone.
20. Do you shower every day? Unless its summer and I’m in the ocean, yea
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I’m not really positive how he feels, but yea, I think so.
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I hope so.
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I know I can
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Oh good lord, I know I won’t be.
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I’d like to be, yes.
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes, and I know for a fact he means it.
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Yea, but I don’t think he’ll ever let me read it.
28. Have you ever been cheated on? I think so. Never really got proof, but I still think yes.
29. Have you ever cheated on someone? negative. Unless you count holding hands the day before you break up with someone.
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? No. Unless it’s for health reasons I’m pretty much against it.
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Of course I have, numerous times.
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Not really, no.
33. Have you ever had sex with a man? I have not.
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Also a no
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Plenty of times
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? I’ve fallen in love with one of them.
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Probably, but then again, no one ever much likes my boyfriends…
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yea, but that’s just how life goes.
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Every day for the past year.
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Not really, no. Not FOR anyone. About someone, yes.
41. Have you had sex so far this year? Negatory
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Never tested it. Maybe I will soon…
43. How long was your longest relationship? 7 months.
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? five I believe. but only two really counted for anything
45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? uhm… alot.
46. How many times did you have sex last year? none
47. How old are you? 17
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Well, then stop kissing me damnit.
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? I don’t have a defined boyfriend, but I’ll answer anyways. I love the way he is when it’s just me and him. He’s perfection.
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I probably would.
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Not everything.
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes, and because I just knew he wasn’t going to go with it. And there’s no reason to force people into things.
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I’ve no idea, but probably… Do I give a shit? Nope.
54. Is there someone you will never forget? Caolan. He’s changed my life in so many ways.
55. Share a relationship story. His name is Caolan. He live 4,000 miles away and we met by chance. In the past year we have fallen into the kind of love you’re supposed to experience in your 30s, not your teens. We are each others halfs but we’re forced to learn to live without each other, and it is a painful thing to do, but it will eventually be worth it when we meet again. For the time being we don’t date, but we are the strongest relationship I’ve ever been involved in, and he’s more important to me than I’d ever anticipated.
56. State 8 facts about your body. I have a large birth mark going down my right arm that I adore. I also have a small birth mark on my stomach. I’m about 5’8. I have hazel eyes. My hair has highlights in it. My ears are pierced. I shave my legs. I bite my nails.
57. Things you want to say to an ex: You meant so much to me, and now all I want is some type of friendship. I wish you’d just let it happen, but you know what? You never tried then, so why should I try now?
58. What are five ways to win your heart? Love me truly and deeply, make me laugh, spend time with me, cook with me, and watch movies with me (quietly).
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? five years. and I like to forget about it.
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? looks: height. personality: humor
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Give me a good back rub, with neck kisses… mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
63. What is your definition of “having sex”? There is a penis, in a vagina. boom.
64. What is your definition of cheating? Physical: kissing or further. Emotional: well, getting emotionally attached.
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? If I’m super horny and want it NOW: Push me down on a bed and start the train going babycakes.
66. What is your favourite roleplay? never actually played one out before.
67. What is your idea of the perfect date? I don’t have an idea of a perfect anything.
68. What is your sexual orientation? Straight. But I’m accepting of others, it’s just not for me.
69. What turns you off? assholes.
70. What turns you on? undefined. It’s different according to who’s doing it.
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Having sex with this guy names Jack who I used to know, its the one and only sex dream I’ve ever had and remembered.
72. What words do you like to hear during sex? “I want you”
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Mature for me.
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Being tall and in shape.
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? I have no idea.
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Also have no idea.
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? if your above 20, do what you want. if your younger than that, maturity really keeps you from dating anyone with a more than 3 year age difference.
78. What’s your dirtiest secret? It’s a secret.
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Today. Because Cameron confuses me and Hannah seems so perfect… and they hang out.
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? A few hours ago to mom.
81. Who are five people you find attractive? Caolan. Cameron. David. Magness. and Prince HARRY.
82. Who is the last person you hugged? Cameron
83. Who was your first kiss with? Saylor
84. Why did your last relationship fail? Because I tried to hard and he tried to little
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? No. Honestly I doubt I would
86. You’ll love me if: If I fall in love with you.